Well, it’s been nearly a year since I last updated my blog. I started this blog with the idea that I would find some like-minded people with which to share my newly discovered passion for the fiber arts. The second being that I’d have a place to share my thoughts about the world and my place in it. And my last post on this little space was about the passing of one of my crochet inspirations, who lost her battle to depression and committed suicide. I guess I’ll offer a quick recap of what I’ve been up to and then we’ll get back to it a bit, I think.
Shortly after I wrote my last blog post, things came to a head with some members of my family that I’d been at odds with for a long time. Some very cruel and hurtful words were spoken and as I sat sobbing in the Costco gas station parking lot with my child sitting quietly in the backseat with her tiny hand on my shoulder, trying to give me her stuffie for comfort and reading the barrage of texts that were being sent to me, I had a lightbulb moment: if I continued to allow these people presence in my life, someday it would be my daughter enduring these texts from the same people, crying as she read hurtful words designed to shame and slice, perhaps wondering why people who claimed to love her would say such awful things and then later try to pretend that it never happened. So I drove home and cried on my partner’s shoulder in the driveway and spoke the words that ultimately started me on my path to healing: “I don’t ever want them in my house again. And it will be over my dead body that they are ever allowed to speak to our daughter that way.”
And that was it. I think that was in the days right after July 4th, and save a few texts sent in their direction to inform them of my intent, I have not spoken to either of them since. The female half of that equation has sent an endless barrage of texts, emails, phone calls, Facebook messages (once she convinced someone on my friends list to link her my profile because I have it set private…); even going so far as to invite our mutual friends to dinner, only to then try to convince them that she’s in the right and I’m in the wrong and so on, blah blah blah. Even now, almost a year later, it’s still going on, albeit much less frequently. But I’ve held strong and communication has not resumed. It was a damaging and draining relationship, and one I am not sorry to have ended. My mind and heart are happier for it.
The other major thing I had to pass through was a crippling bout of depression and unceasing anxiety and paranoia. Mental illness is strong, stronger than the brain and stronger than the heart. And I was so deep in its trenches that I had lost sight of how bad it had become. It was my new normal, the crying and constant shaking, the inability to make a decision or care if I did anything at all that day. Not a good place to be when you’re trying to be a good mommy and take care of a household!! So finally in November I was able to see a new doctor and she has started me on a road to recovery that I previously didn’t even know existed. And about Christmas time, I woke up and realized that the darkness had been beaten back. In its place was a calm that I haven’t felt in years, and an optimism that I assumed was long dead.
Whew. All this to say the real thing, to say what I’ve been trying to say for weeks: I’m back. Er, more accurately, I’m here. And I’m better. And hopefully in a much better configuration of awesome! And along the way, I’ve discovered that I not only love crochet, but I also love sewing, quilting, applique, and embroidery. I’ve diversified my skills to a huge degree, including doll making and beginning patternmaking!! The name of my blog is not quite apt anymore, so I’m looking into changing that. I might redirect this one to an entirely new site, or I might try to continue to build this space (which is what I’d prefer. Roots and all that.)
So expect more in this space in the coming months. I have a renewed vigor for life, for creativity, for my daughter and family, and for myself. I’m beginning the process of finally moving on from everything that happened at the end of 2014 and all the way through 2015 and I’m determined to make 2016 a year of personal wellness, growth, and – dare I say it – happiness. I have a lot of work to do, but I’m finally feeling strong enough for the challenge, and I hope that I will be able to take this blog along for the ride!!
So that’s that. There is so much more, but I’ve rambled on enough for one post so I stop now. If you’ve read this, thank you. I promise this space won’t be centered around the serious all the time. But I wanted to get it out there as the foundation for moving forward, for all the fun stuff to come!!